Seeds for a happy planet

Since this summer I’m holding the question of: What is it exactly that I’m doing when I say that I am holding space?

Many in the Art of Hosting community, and other facilitators, nod their heads when we speak of holding space. They/we seem to understand, but I have never heard anybody explain it. Different experiences in the last months made me aware of some aspects, and I want to share them with you.

First there is the story as told by Chris Corrigan from a native Canadian tribe. In a little village fishermen set out to go on a whale hunt. It becomes a very difficult journey, as they first lose track of the whale and almost lose a man too. After many days, when they finally come back to the village the head of the tribe speaks to his wife and asks: “What have you been doing? We almost lost a man, and we lost the whale for some time too.” The woman answered that her attention was divided because one of the children had been very ill. This story touched me deeply, as I realized so few men – and women too – in our Western world understand what this man and woman saw as so obvious: that the women were doing something that was vital for the success of the hunting men. Their attention, their holding the space was needed for the whole journey to be successful.

Last summer I was with a dear friend on what he called a writing retreat. I expected to share breakfast and dinner together, while having inspiring and deep conversations, as we normally have. He would then dive into his writing and I would go and do my own thing: reading, exploring the neighborhood, enjoying the beautiful nature. Soon he would announce that his writing would be best supported by fasting and that he wouldn’t show up for breakfast, or for dinner. So, I went on doing my own thing, but missing the good conversation company I was wondering: What am I doing here? I still felt good about it, but why exactly was I here? I could read and explore nature anywhere. Holding this question for some time the answer came to me: I was holding space. There was relief in my body when I realized that. After the five days, as we were driving home, I told my friend about it, and I realized what an intimate thing it is to do; even more than having sex! This made me wonder…

A few weeks later in a conversation with another friend I told him that I was holding space for him and others while they are doing big strategic, systemic work in the world, which is not always easy. I told him too that this strategic work is not mine to do, but that nonetheless I have something to do with it: I am holding space for it. Tears welled up in my eyes while telling him! I realized that this holding space work is in need of language, of words and concepts that can make it more visible in the world. Another friend called it Grandmother’s Work.

Next came an experience within a Systemic Constellation training where I realised – through a difficult experience – that holding space, for me as a woman, was essentially something that I was doing in my body. Not in the mind. This realization was very grounding for me, as if finally I arrived at my right spot. It seemed that it was not just my personal experience, but many women were resonating with it.

But still: what am I doing when holding space within my body? I have known for a long time that my sensing of what would happen in a group’s process or in a systemic constellation, was not the same as people having visions of the future. Looking back at our experiences in the gathering Women Moving the Edge, it suddenly dawned on me that we never were speaking about Spirit, but we would always use the word Source. Why was this? Source would point to depth, to something deep inside; Spirit is more related to something high above… mmm… I started drawing and realized that Source can be seen as Unmanifested Potential.

Soon my answer to the question I was holding for many months became clearer. When I am holding space, I connect in my body with the unmanifest potential of this person, this group or this place. It asks for an emptiness and a deep stillness inside to be able to carry this potential. Maybe it is better to say to be a container for it, and I mean it in a very physical way. I open my body to be this container in service of something that wants or can become manifest.

This made a lot of sense when I spoke about it in Axladitsa, and explained that the callers of this Meaningful Place will always be and stay the ones who hold the deepest and widest container. They will always stay the callers and always form the core group. If they drop their energy the whole project will die. Others can become very active in this project, but when they leave, the project will go on. They are not in as deep a holding space.

In a sense women have a natural tendency to hold space for people, places and projects. But is has never been seen or realized or acknowledged, not even by themselves. It is time to change this, and this is my first contribution to it.

It is difficult to remember what were all the things that happened on our third day together. It was again so rich, inspiring and beautiful.

Some of us decided to greet and honor the sunrise, and they ended up doing it in the hot tub. This was a luxury I enjoyed the evening before, with a splendid view lit by the almost full moon; when all the others were already gone to bed or to their rooms.

“It was a beautiful morning, the sun coming up over the distant ridge of mountains, and the moon behind, up the hill through the trees.” (Judy)

Later in the day Wendy would recall that it was not possible to see them both at once, but if you turn inwards then it is possible to have a sense or an experience of both. Did you ever think of that?

I can’t remember what exactly is the chronology of that day, but I do know that we decided to do an Appreciative Inquiry Walk after lunch, around a situation of ‘moving the edge’. The question was: What did you do that made it happen? The harvest of these conversations in pairs was again something that brought us deeper into our joint inquiry. Moving the edge happens when:

- there is a compulsion; when your integrity doesn’t allow to act in another way. In this way it holds the paradox of being conscious of ‘some’ consequences of your choice and the feeling of not having any choice.
- there is no point of reference that you can rely on

- it ‘had’ to be expressed
- we leave our separateness and join others, without questions or judgments
- there is an energy of “Let’s do it!” (in alignment with Source) instead of “Do it!”
- the outcome could not be anticipated beforehand
- there is a letting go, a giving up of control
- a not holding back: it asks for courage and honesty
- you have a sense of something ‘from somewhere else’ coming through you
- you live the energy of the Fool (tarot cards): it looks like stepping forward will lead to death, but not doing it will lead to another form of death

It wasn’t the first time we talked about it but the experience of giving birth was exactly this! Women’s way of being alive, every month ‘forced’ by nature to go along with Life, with no control over it, seems to make us more connected with Life, earth and matter; and the inherent ‘push’ of Life energy. Being on the edge in this way seems quite familiar… I think this experience makes women – on average – more open to a kind of subtle energies which are different than the mental knowing, but are needed to a get full ‘understanding’.

Judy’s reflections: “In recalling my own story, I remembered the ‘letting go’ that had to happen in my moving the edge experience. I remembered how hard that was, but when I did, then there was an openeing, and the ‘letting come’ flowed so naturally, so effortlessly. I also recalled on one occassion the buildup of tension that preceded the ‘lettting go’. Like something going to explode inside me, about to erupt, not going to wait any longer. Really like Life coming through me, there was no holding back. I also recall related and less explosive times where discernement, and the subtle knowing that is required, came into play. The knowing when to speak and when to remain silent, discerning when to lead or step forward, and when to just be with another.”

The magic here continued. When we got up this morning there was fog all around. The hills on the other side of the valley were not visible anymore. The simple question of What is present now? brought a very rich conversation around the theme of What is feminine power?

The metaphor of the mycelium, what we normally think of as the roots of the mushrooms, is actually the plant in itself and the mushrooms are its ‘flowers’. In my drawing of our conversation I noted a lot of the words that make up our mycelium: gentleness, safety, holding, enlivening, equality, talking stone, the earth, the collective… Stories about shame, fear, rage and sadness… these personal stories who pop up from the collective, just like the mushrooms…

The conversation shifted to: purpose, power, presence. What does it mean to stand in my feminine power, and not to retreat or not to attack? What is feminine power? Is ‘feminine warriorship’ the right word? Can we let go of the old women’s story? Are we present in and to ourselves, or are we ‘over there’… From where do we engage with the others or the world?

Sooooo rich!!! The words here can hardly convey the energy, the presence, the learning, the laughter and so much more! Time to have a break and eat some wonderful nuts.

Judy and I both felt that this were enough words. We invited Eve-Marie to guide us in an experiment with drawing, using colors. That was basically it: use colors and let them take over, drop your mind and your judgments, come to the still point in your body, just go with the colors and the movement they evoke. “It is just paper.” “What would a four year old do now?” These were some of the questions that seduced us to a no-mind space, the space of creativity. I loved to come to this point where it was just the fun of let my hand move with the colors. Being present with the colors. Good stuff to come to an open mind!

In the sharing there was someone who recalled to invitation at the beginning of the drawing exercise to drop yourself into the still-point within… this still point is so full of freedom; it carries all potential! My sense is that it has to do a lot with the power of women…

It has been a long time since I did some blogging… but here I am again. I’m sitting here in the Boston area, in a newly painted home, some boxes still unpacked… sunrays falling through the autumn leaves outside… It is good living here, being hosted by my friend Judy, with whom I will facilitate the workshop or gathering ‘Women Moving the Edge’ from tomorrow on.

We took our time over the last two days to settle in into this emergent work. There aren’t a lot of exercices or theories to be prepared, it is more a way of getting into the right ’space’, sensing what is the deeper purpose and intention; getting aligned between the two of us; sensing into this particular group of participants.

I love to do this kind of work; although it is hardly ‘work’ for me. It is more like a way of living, of being in the world: living a life ‘on the edge’. You might be wondering what that is… There are many entry points to start some explanation about it, and I am sure it will never be linear.

One element is living with an open mind, an intention to be constantly in learning, to enjoy the moments that I become aware that my thinking was limited, was stuck ‘in a box’, to constantly live with and in questions that really matter.

Another element is living with an open heart. Many might say that they do that also – I don’t doubt that – but for me it means that I try to overcome my sense of seperatedness. I am not a defined person that can live on its own. I exist – or: I come into being – in the ’space in-between’, between you and me; between the trees and me; between the house and me… our language feels too small here, too limited as it uses ‘nouns’ who then can ‘do’ something, but it doesn’t give us a language for expressing the mutuality, the becoming that is happening all moments… Wouldn’t it be great to have this language where threes are named by the sound they make as the wind moves its leaves?

Living on the edge means also to be open to ‘the greater will’, to live your unique gift, to speak the right words on the right time and otherwise to be silent; to live as if always ready to die – no actions or words left for later.

This is more or less what we will try to accomplish in three days with 9 women who don’t know each other beforehand. Wondering how it will be different than the same kind of gathering we had earlier this year in Belgium. My hunch is that the listening, the openess to the subtle realities will be a little more difficult; but maybe that is my prejudice…

Why women? Not from a feminist perspective, but to add some deeper awarenesss to our feminine gifts that are so needed in our world. I want to go to the heart, the essence of being feminine. The better we understand, we ‘get it’, the easier to bring it into the outside world. I think that is my gift to bring to the world…

“Dear Friends,

This is the time for the emergence of a new feminine archetype. I call it the “feminine cocreator.” As we have fewer children and live longer lives, as the world heads into its “crisis of birth” of a new humanity, this feminine cocreator is arising. We are giving birth to the authentic feminine self and our work in the world because it is necessary for the survival and thriving of our very species.”

This is the first paragraph of an email send out by Barbara Max Hubbard (visionary, futurist, author) to announce the Women’s Wisdom Conference: Touching Greatness, Igniting Purpose and Passion, and also the book The Power of Yin.

Just now – today – when I want to announce the second Women Moving the Edge gathering, which I host and organise with Judy Wallace from the US. This is the first paragraph from our invitation:

“A purposeful gathering of conscious women who will:
• explore and move the edge of what it means to know, sense, and be our emergent collective future potential
• hold, embrace, and birth the unfolding wholeness together
• and in this process of discovery co-create new grooves in consciousness beyond our individual and collective edge

In this gathering we will not only explore the edge, we will be it, we will do it. Our world requires of us the courage to open, to engage, to inquire, to suspend, and to explore beyond what we think we know. Together we will co-create and be the vessel to awaken the inter-subjective “We”, the Being who comes alive through all of us together, who awaits our invitation to bring collective leadership into the world.”Although they are both about The Power of Yin, the difference is that the first format is about ‘Presenters’ and the second one is about ‘Participants’…

3pm now. Again I’m sitting here in the same spot. The storm has calmed down, and the place here is filled with noices and women’s voices. Almost everybody arrived, and most of them are enjoying a little rest before we actually begin.

Just before lunch three of us were – basically – adding some beauty in the room we will be working in. The photo’s are uploading on Flickr, so you will be able to see them in a couple of minutes. After our arranging of the place, we – the three of us that were here – sat some time in silence in the circle.

Silence and beauty, some of the elements that make ‘the wholeness of knowing’… more to come

Some people say that I’m super cool, even super cold. Some of my friends and family are complaining that I don’t tell them the usual stories of being hurt, or that I don’t call them enough when they might be ill. When I heard this complaint for the first time, it was a real chock. Yes indeed, my behavior and talking is cool. But I think ik is not cold, but still. Quiet.

Emotional exchange and relationships are in the centre of many women’s lifes. We are good at it. It makes us good mothers, good nurses, good wifes, good friends. It makes us fight for peace and justice. It stimulates us to take responsibility for communities and life-affirming actions. But sometimes there is too much of the good stuff – emotions – and is the relationship too much in the centre, instead of in service of what we want to co-create.

My experience is that it is difficult for women to see this imbalance. And of course it is true: the world needs a lot more care for the matters of the heart. Too much focus and emphasis on matter creates imbalance and a lot of suffering. But too much attention for sharing emotions is not the solution.

The question seems to be how to integrate complex and nuanced energies.

Yesterday, in a conversation with Claudia – let’s call her a spiritual business woman – it became clearer to me what is actually one of the driving questions for me to initiate this gathering of Women Moving the Edge. This gathering will take place in a few days here in Belgium, in a very special and nice place De Heerlijckyt van Elsmeren.

The question is: As women, do we really take the full leadership of what we are able to? For myself I translate it to: Do I really live to my highest potential?

Claudia mentioned that she sees many women who don’t take real responsibility for their lives; they don’t make things happen. And I’m wondering: why is that? I know a lot of women do take responsibility for their lives, their families, their neighbourhoods and lots more; but it is a more deeper level that I’m looking at here. I am holding the question: Is there something like a collective, women’s ego that is holding us back from doing the real thing, to make something happen that only we can do?

A few days ago I received an email pointing to a new project Standing Women. It seems nice, and can be very powerful, but I’m wondering is that really all that we have to do? Standing in silence for peace? Is that feminine leadership? I know, I have a lot of questions here, and I really don’t have answers… only a sense that there is more – at least for me – to do. Standing still for peace, even for hours on end, is not the real challenge for me… but then what is it? The only thing I do know is that I need others in a deep conversation to go beyond the not-knowing and into a new inner knowing…

These last years a lot has been said about bringing balance between left and right hemisphere, between knowing and feeling, between mental and inner knowing.

Lots of people use the word intuition as opposed to or as counterbalance for the mental knowing. But what is intuition really?

I think it is useful to make a differentiation between intuition and felt sense. The latter is a concept introduced by E.Gendlin, within his philosofical/therapeutic work of Focussing.
I understand intuition as recieving some information: this can be a thought, a feeling, an image… If we want this more feminine side of knowing to take its full place to balance the mental knowing, then this ‘recieving information’ needs refining, and widening.

As Gendlin states: Felt Sense is a “body sensation that has meaning”. “A felt sense is often subtle and as you pay attention to it you discover that it is intricate. It has more to it.” So it is not only a thought, or only an image, but a “….dimension of experience which is not emotion and not thought, which is subtle yet concretely felt, absolutelty physically real”. This I see as the refinement of the concept of intuition.
The broadening exist in the relationship of this Felt Sense with the world around, the context. If the mutual influence between my intuition and the context I am in is not taken into account it can still be (very) useless.

Since Moving the Edge in March 2006, David Reis and my self, had regular Skype conversations. They were always deep inspiring and gave us both an energising feeling. Today again, before the call, we wondered what we were going to talk about… this is what happened:

Silence – silence – silence …

Ria: Working yesterday on Women Moving the Edge. Reading Andrew Cohen’s “liberation without a face”. He says: Real enlightenment means: gender doesn’t matter any more. Thinking of our idea last time of doing a Couples workshop. What does Andrew’s concept mean in daily life? It is a big jump from daily life.

David: It’ true; it is a big jump. Only a few will make the jump. I wonder if Andrew is in the masculine perspective of enlightenment. The spiritual teacher of my wife is very aware of men and women’s difference. He and his partner, a remarkable woman, they have been exploring this a lot. I wonder if Andrew is right. Anyway: there need to be some bridges and we need to meet where people are.
* Last gathering in my spiritual community went very well. Description of the context we are in: different than before. Organization changed, the leadership changed; my position is changed and will finish in Sept. The rise of the feminine was mentioned in the previous years, but now was the first time that we really looked at it. Before, it was ignored.
* Creation works on the principle of sexuality. When we looked at it: the feminine can only show up when there is a safe place. Gender is not the main issue here. The masculine is the embodiment of love: designed to create a safe space for the feminine; that’s the partnership. It allows forms of live to appear. In the Tao: first the one, then the two; then you have the three; then the ten thousand things. The feminine and the masculine are both part of the One. Each dynamic carries a different quality, aspect of the One.
The feminine and the masculine are expressions of the One; all other forms are then the three.
* In the gathering: it was liberating for the women; also for the men: getting rid of the mistrust! Now: space for the trust. In one of the groups, equally balanced by gender, many times different women would bring forth a strong intuition – like needing more art. Once I acknowledged the strong emotion in it. Then she talked about the importance of drawing, collages, dance, and music: that what cannot be said through words.

One of my women friends says: Talking is a masculine activity.

The fear is that the feminine will become dominant; which is not true. The feminine need to arise, because the conditions are right for it now. Right now the context is not safe for the feminine. The true masculine need to become forward; instead of the shadow of the masculine.

You said: “The feminine cannot come forward if it is not safe.” I’m wondering: If I am really centered in myself, do I need the men/masculine to hold the space?

You need to have the masculine in yourself. The nature of the masculine is to create space, to create borders; to set the quality. Something glimpses here…. the field in which the masculine can be present is in the womb of the world… difficult to talk about… the feminine is also there… a perspective of 100% masculine and 100% feminine… as a gliding scale… nothing is totally 100% … they overlap always… we all have both… if the masculine and the feminine is in the One, then everybody has both in them! That is why the man can create a context, like a womb! Looking at the dynamic of thinking, women were designed to … to inseminate men with a seed of thought. They are catalysing a topic or a tread of thinking, for further insemination. In plants, in weed seed, masculine… and feminine…

One of the basic ideas from Macro-biotics is: If the form is feminine, the core is masculine energy; and vice versa. It is in everything. When the form comes as masculine, the content is feminine. Best words here: Form and energy (not content).

In the thinking of our group: we talk about a unified body of people. Humanity is designed to be the Body of Love. Body=feminine, Love= masculine.
Masculine and feminine is in every holon. Humanity, as being receptive to Love/Life, is feminine.
* In the gathering the women were visibly relaxed. They said: “We were able to bring the Earth in.”; which never happened before. Before it was all about Spirit; and frustrating the natural flow.
* Basic is: Honor the process of emergence. It opens up different ways that women and men can show up in the gathering. One man talked about a ‘spiritual oasis’; that the group can be like that. Not an organizational function, but embodying the Truth of Love. Being an oasis in the desert of the culture. Giving room for emergence instead of designing the focus beforehand. The role of Leadership changes: it is acknowledging what is emerging: what is emerging in form and what is emerging in spirit. What are the essences that are crossing over … for that to happen everybody is responsible for spirit, for listening for what is in the middle. That’s the key: everybody is responsible for doing that! Everybody is a leader! It shifts from leader-follower, to all leaders following the movement in spirit.

I like to call this Collective leadership.

In our group the son of the initiator started the collect. Leadership, but shadow elements came out.

What I hear is that your group becomes adult now. When the initiator starts a movement like that, all the other ones start as being a child, regarding this spiritual focus of course. Then everyone in the movement has to grow up. In the teen-age years, fights start. You can see the development in a many-years-perspective.

As that happens (the movement becomes adult), the old form passes away. When maturity happens, new patterns of relationships happen. It shifts into trust and each one will embody what is theirs to do. Then the role of leadership also changes: from giving direction and instruction to coordination.

Not just coordination. It is about holding the field … and more… It’s not giving directions or directives, but somehow holding direction; becoming more mature maybe. It is like when you raise your children. When they are 6 or 8 you give directives. When they are 16 or 18 you hold direction.

Yes, I actively look for direction! Looking into what is in the midst; and what people are saying. Then looking for the connection and speaking it as it develops.

Maybe we are growing mature as human beings, instead of quarrelling all over the place.
* Back to Women Moving the Edge. Our conversation confirms what I have been holding. What you spoke about the woman speaking about art, music, etc. In MtE in March, I was holding that perspective. Somehow it got some form – through one of the women participants, but not enough.
* The other point: for women to step out into the world with real feminine qualities, they need to master their masculine qualities also. Like knowing their boundaries, where to do it and where not to do it. Being able to create their own safe space. In a way: being in control of yourself of your own re-actions: as compared to being controlling. Able to MASTER your reactions, able to withhold reactions that go into fights. If you see it comes to fight, you just drop the line of conversation. And not being hurt by it! Many times when you go with the feminine quality in the world, many don’t see it, laugh or fight with it. However, you can outgrow being hurt by that.

It takes the women out of the role of the victim; and of the perpetrator!
If the women come out like this, the men have to relate differently. The men, who are less mature and are still treating women in these shadow ways, will have to come to terms with women who don’t fight. Surprising! Women in developing this masculine side, they don’t develop the shadow masculine side; which we see so much in business context.

David Deida says that the masculine at the core is: holding consciousness and presence; the feminine at the core is embodying love.

We were both surprised and energized by this beautiful and inspiring dialogue! I hope you enjoy it too!